transcribed: 8 hours in a car with Jesus

Before I left Sioux Falls to film a wedding in Good Thunder, I downloaded a playlist that Becca made called First Love. I knew I had a couple of long drives in front of me for the weekend (8 hours total, give or take), and I wanted a blend of music that was both familiar and new. Oh, and I wanted it to be about Jesus since I felt like I haven't been giving Him my intentionality in the past week. The playlist has 80 songs, and I got through all of them but 5. The lyrics of so many of them, even ones I'd heard before, were definitely speaking to me throughout the drive, so I started recording my thoughts with voice memos. Rather than summarize everything that I felt (which I can't remember very clearly now), I will transcribe the memos below.

1. We Dance, Bethel Music, Steffany Gretzinger

We Dance makes me think about how she says, "and I think of that song you wrote for me//and we dance" and my opinion of that is that every song that I dance to is a song that Jesus wrote for me, because he knows how much I'll love it.

2. This Love, Housefires *editor's choice

Um, This Love is like the pandemic hit me, before the pandemic, because of my anxiety. And then it went away, because of this song. And when I was thinking, in the car, about my anxiety and how it was weird, this song immediately came on, and I think there's a tie between the two but I can't put my finger on it. It also says, in one of the lines, "this love will ruin every fear//I don't need to be scared that fear is ruined" and then there's a pause, and I think that's an interesting line because why would you be scared of fear being ruined? But I think that's very typical of anxiety brain, to be scared, when something bad is taken away, because it was routine. It kind of reminded me of "I'm anxious, and I'm scared!" and then if it goes away, "well now I'm this way, and what if I'm another way?" and just the way our brain routes itself in circles when it doesn't need to.

But my favorite lyric from the song is "this love...is an everyday kind of love," because it just reminds me of God's love as like a cotton t-shirt or a pair of sweatpants. Something that you'll--actually, well, you do take it off, so, bad analogy--but something you want to live in forever because of the comfort, even though it's so ordinary...but not. Does that make sense? Anyway, this kind of comfort was what I felt during the first stages of the pandemic. I remember playing this song over and over at work and never getting tired of it and thinking about how we were going to cancel Singin in the Rain, and being okay, not numb, but really okay, because how could I not be, with this love in me and around me everyday?

3. Jesus We Love You (Can't Help Falling in Love)- Live, MBL Worship

The song...I... I can't help falling in love with you, when it went to "take my hand, take my whole life too," I cried, ell-oh-ell. I'd heard Jesus We Love You before, many times, but never with this version on the end and it really surprised me, but then I thought, why not? The song, "Can't Help Falling In Love" is not a worship song, but why not? I love the idea, too, that when we are so deep in His love and know that we are being pursued, we can't help it. When I...when we notice how He's working, it's like, wow, You didn't have to choose me, and I had no say in it, but like, keep going! I can't help any of it any more than I could help crying or feeling uprooted by His love but still grounded at the same time. And then to say, "take my hand, take my whole life too," on such a secular-turned-worship song...wow. Take it! Because I can't help it and I can't help myself, but You can. I was just not expecting this song to be such a banger. Well, that's not the right word, but you know what I mean.

4. You and You Alone, UPPERROOM, Cody Lee

The birds. A bunch of birds flew, were flying around. And I was like, "oh man, I love birds," and then three more flew by right as I thought that and I was like, wow that was really cool. It reminded me of when Penina was looking for shooting stars on a rooftop with her friends and she asked God to see more, to see seven, actually, and then they did. "For always being good, thank You." I've always thought this song was a little campy but now it just feels like I'm overflowing thank yous and the song is there to catch them...while also providing them, I don't know. But like, I get it. Thank you. For the birds and the sky and the clouds and the road... and that's just the things I can see.

5. Open Space, Housefires

Open Space reminded me, I was thinking about all my jobs and I was like "I...feel like all these things are happening, and if I stop, something bad is gonna happen," and then I was like, "what the heck," and then, "my heart is an open space, for You to come and have Your way, I am open, I am OPEN." Open to suggestions, open to just giving--somebody's in the right lane--giving everything up. Because you know it's used for good. And then my voice started hurting because I was singing so much, and I was like, "ahh, what if I lost my voice," and then I was like, "then you would be fine, because Jesus would have a plan."

6. First Love, Kari Jobe

"You're still my first love, You're still my first love." When did I cry? I was crying. Okay, so in First Love, the thing... "You're still my first love, You're still my only one," hitting that only pretty hard as a single woman, "You're still my ONLY one," and having just gone to a wedding, and seeing the greatness that God can do with that love, but knowing that, I don't know, what Paul says is true, married people get distracted. And Christ is our only, like our first love, only love...and how special is that, that the first person I ever like... person? Thing I guess, that I ever fully gave my heart to was Jesus. I think that's pretty--dude, slow the FRICK down. Oh my gosh. Geez... sheeeesh...um, uh. How, okay, how great--maybe I should get over in the right lane, maybe that's what he was telling me--um, ok. How great was that, that my first love, ever, was Jesus Christ. That's pretty cool. And how complete that love is. Huh. Pretty cool.

7. Canyons, Cory Asbury

Anotha one. Um, Canyons...the best part of Canyons is not only the trumpets with mutes at the end, and their little harmony, ba-da-ba-da-da-daaa, that's really great, but the line in the bridge that says something like, how...uhh..."I couldn't run...anywhere You wouldn't run after me//How could I fall, when You already took the fall//for me," which is not only great musical-lyrical synthesis, but also, very true. What a bop.

8. Holy, Holy, Here With Me, Housefires, Kirby Kaple

Holy ground, holy ground, holy ground. Ok. So the song was, something about holy ground, "where I stand is holy ground," because You have created it, and I thought that was pretty cool, along with the song about beautiful things. But anyway, holy ground. I was driving through an especially pretty part of, um, the city...outside of the city...and it was, uh, holy ground. And I think it's kind of crazy to not think about that. How God has made the earth and we live on the earth, and it's beautiful because He is holy. Like, plant life doesn't sin, you know what I mean? All that to say, there is so much of God in nature, which is why being outside is so restorative for everyone, because it's holy. I mean, air pollution isn't great--did I just get a flat? No, I would have known if I got a flat tire. Okay, um. Air pollution isn't great, but the earth is holy, and I think that's an amazingly spiritual and worshipful way to look at it. Happy earth day, everyone!

9. No Fear In Love, Steffany Gretzinger

No Fear In Love, that song reminded me, she said, "stir in me a love that's deep," something like that, and it just reminded me that what God is doing a lot of the time is stirring us. Like I just pictured a pot of soup, on the stove, not, you know, the prettiest metaphor, maybe you could...I don't know. Rose water? Making rose water? But a lot of it is just, we're on simmer, and when God speaks to us he just stirs the pot. Gently, like He does. And it can be the smallest things that stir us and stir up our deep love for him, like birds and the sky. Little things that he uses and adds to our simmering, to our soup--birds in soup, though? Anyway, it's the little things, the little loves. All of them combine and He keeps stirring us and we learn to listen and love it and love Him.

10. The Wick (Set A Fire)-Live, MBL Worship

The wick slash set a fire. What a great pairing by a band that I didn't really know. The great things about The Wick is that it's so simple: "My heart is the wick//Your love is the flame//and I wanna burn for Your name." And like, that's it. That's the life. That's the entire life of a Christian. I remember writing a poem last year, "Jesus, Jesus, may this life, this candle of mine, burn Yours forever." It's essentially the same idea. I am a candle that will burn out eventually, I'll be a puddle of wax...I'll be dead. But until then, I'll be burning for you, and well, like I said, that's the entire life.

11. Beautiful, Kari Jobe

So this song, Beautiful by Kari Jobe. About, I don't know how long ago it was but, umm, I was falling asleep a little on I-90 and I missed the--there's construction and so I got off in Luverne instead of going on the main road. I missed it. And so I quick re-routed my map and was surprised to find that I took a turn onto a road straight from the main street road and it was, um, my GPS said 8 miles on that road, and I thought, that's funny, that's a long time to get back on the highway. And then Kari Jobe's song, Beautiful, comes on, I'd never heard it before, actually. Um, and, the words were, "Beautiful, beautiful, I am lost for more to say, Oh Lord You're beautiful to me," pretty much that's the whole point of the song.

I was on this two lane road but the speed limit was 60, so I could still go as fast as I wanted, but I was able to roll my windows down, and there was not very many people on the road, unlike the highway, and it felt like I was in the middle of the countryside. And I rolled down my windows and I looked at the clouds and a few times I just stopped on the main road. And the song was just playing, and I let my hair down and at one point during the song, the lyrics were "Holy, holy, holy You are, You are," and the wind pulled my hair out the window and I could feel it waving it around and tugging.

It was so pretty and so powerful at the same time. But so delicate, that God chose to bring me onto that road and wake me up in that way with that song. Just to get lost in His beauty and notice Him everywhere. And then I was nearing the end of the road and the song ended, and my GPS said out loud through the speakers, "merge onto I-90," right after the song ended. And... that is the road for that song. And, thank You.

12. I Could Sing of Your Love Forever, Shane & Shane

Immediately after I got off the road and merged onto I-90, the next song that played was "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever." I just started giggling because no one has ever loved someone as much as God loves me, and it's making me laugh, it's making me just kind of bubble up. And I don't know...I...I don't know. It's like thinking about the most loved you've ever felt and how giddy that made you, and then, you know, just, thinking about how much more. How much more God loves us. And I just, I was just laughing, because, well.... just because. Because he loves me, and I think sometimes we overlook the levity His love can carry and the joy it brings with it. And not even joy, just like lightness of heart when we rest in His beauty and in His truth. So thank you for loving me. Loving loving loving me.

13. No One Ever Cared For Me Like Jesus, Steffany Gretzinger

Um, immediately after I finished the last song and the last recording in which I said that no one has ever loved someone as much as Jesus loved me, the next song was No One Ever Cared For Me Like Jesus, a song that I normally skip because it's so slow and I don't really like it that much. Um, but today I listened to it, how could I not, and it was so beautiful--that's not really the right word, but I don't really have the right word for it. Thanks, Kari Jobe, for that song. Anyway, I wasn't gonna make a recording for this one because I thought it was pretty obvious, like no one ever cares for me like Jesus, yeah.

But as I was getting to my next exit, which was onto 229 South, I hit the bridge of the song. And she only sings the bridge twice. It goes: I'm still in love, You're still enough for me, still all I want, You're still my everything." And I took the exit really slow because it's a round, like a clover leaf exit, and I knocked some stuff off my seats last time. So I took it at the recommended 25, and got a full 360 of the sky, and just listened. It really stuck out to me that "You're still enough for me" and "You are my everything" is like a 360 view of the world, because He is everything and He has control of everything, and He's showing me everything. Um, and, His love isn't just a one directional, "I'm looking at the clouds while I'm driving," but I get a full 360 of it because sometimes he wants me to see the full picture of how big His love is for me. And he chose that moment, in a song that I had never listened to all the way through before, to reveal that bridge to me, on that exit, to show me, visually, that He is my everything. My three hundred and sixty degree, worth slowing down for, centripetal force, full sky everything. That's a lot of broad claims, but that's how I feel about that.

Maybe you stopped reading before you reached my outro. I don't blame you. It was long. Or maybe you did make it, but some of this sounds a little too coincidental to you, or just like silly associations. If so, I would recommend not putting God in a box. And if you're looking for a good playlist to practice that with, I would 10/10 recommend First Love by Rebecca Fischer.